How conflict affects men – More about relationship psychology

Psychology teaches us why men and woman react differently when they are in a position of conflict. There are always going to be periodic disputes when you live with someone.

The situation worsens, however, when their differing conception of the problem causes them to worsen it. Couples often turn to counseling when there is a serious relationship problem,

and most counseling is oriented towards helping them understand how their partner is thinking in a given situation.

The National Institute of Mental Health funded a study which showed that most couples together for just a few weeks and were aged between 18 and 21, avoided intimacy and being dependent on their other half. They were apparently anxious that they might be rejected or abandoned. There were different categories of anxiety; those who felt more secure in themselves had lower levels and the level of anxiety in others varied because of the way they managed their anxiety.

It also transpired that the results were very different between the men and the women.

Tests showed that male reaction was easier to discern. Most of the men showed increased

anxiety whereas only the most evasive of the women indicated any real difference.

The women wanted to lead the debate in trying to settle a relationship conflict; they were perceived as wanting to find a solution to the crisis. For them stress fell as the confrontation advanced. They were happier when the conflict was sorted out rapidly.

The men took a more passive role in settling the relationship crisis. They also wanted matters resolved but they tended not to want a head on dispute. The men with the most secure female partners showed less stress than the others, during the tests. There was no change in the stress displayed by the women following the level of security of their partner.

When you come looking for help to sort out your relationship, the counselor will help you to see why and how men and women think in different ways.

Interpreting the above tests will make it easier for you to realize why men and women act differently when faced with conflict

The above research on studying the effects of relationship conflict in men and women will help you know why the react the way that they do. You will both be better armed now to resolve your relationship conflict.

Joe Bisley

For further information click here     http://mylove-breakup-makeup.com

 

Conflicts Between the Spiritual and Material Ego

These roles or personas, which develop subconsciously, create a variety of beliefs and subsequent needs and emotions. Most of our personas manage to cooperate enough so that we can function without serious inner turmoil, but there are times in our lives when we experience inner conflicts in which two or more parts of our being have conflicting needs.

Many of these conflicts have to do with the differing needs between our “spiritual” personas and our “material” personas. We place these words in quotation marks because all personas live in ignorance, and thus are all material. The so-called “spiritual” personas are trying to be spiritual, or in some cases, only to appear spiritual.

One part of ourselves wants to improve our character and lifestyle, and proceed spiritually, while the other might prefer to remain in the familiar, conditioned types of behavior and activities where it finds security, pleasure and affirmation. Let’s call the first part the spiritual ego and the second the material ego. We want these two to meet, to open up to each other and become one.

We do not intend to imply that the spiritual ego is higher or more spiritual than the material ego. In some cases, the opposite may be true, as the spiritual ego might be simply seeking security, pleasure and affirmation in other ways. The spiritual ego may occasionally be even more afraid or attached to persons and situations than the material ego; however, this is not always the case.

CONFLICTS BETWEEN THE SPIRITUAL AND MATERIAL PERSONAS

The spiritual ego feels the conflict most intensely (if we didn’t desire spiritual growth or self-improvement we would not have a conflict), and usually creates feelings of self rejection, failure and guilt when we are unable to satisfy its need to feel that it is “spiritual” and “worthy.”

Also, when we do not feel worthy, we do not feel safe. This occurs because many of us are programmed to believe whoever is not “good” or worthy in God’s eyes is not safe, as he does not “deserve” God’s love and protection. Making matters worse is the fact that we might also be programmed to feel we deserve punishment.

These are obviously not the highest reasons to want to improve ourselves. They are, in fact, rather selfish motives. If we want to change to ensure our safety, or so others will accept us, we are simply replacing the material ego with the spiritual ego. Nothing has really changed. In some cases, our need to fulfill these spiritual “requirements” for our self-acceptance has to do with our need to feel we are more spiritual than others. Thus, we simply replace the need for affirmation and superiority on a material level with the same need on the spiritual level.

It is important to realize that our self-worth is permanent and divine. We cannot be worth more or less in God’s eyes. We are divine consciousness itself in the process of evolving our ability to express our divinity on the material planes. Our inherent spiritual value is not changed by our actions or spiritual growth. What is changed is our ability to express those values mentally, emotionally and physically.
Trying to be a better person because we believe it will encourage God to love us more is also an insufficient motive for growth.

Desiring to become a clearer channel for divine energies of love, peace, harmony, justice and happiness is a much better motive. Seeking to purify ourselves so we can experience that Divine Consciousness in every being and event that we encounter, is a useful motive. Seeking to remove all mental, emotional and physical obstacles so that we can cultivate pure love, simplicity and selflessness is also useful.

Such motives are free from the game of who is spiritual and who is not, or who is more spiritual, or who is good and who is bad, and whom God loves and whom God does not love. They are based on the presumption that God is a much higher type of consciousness, and thus is incapable of not loving anyone no matter what that person might ever do. This seems only logical since the Divine Being has asked us, mere humans, to love even our enemies and those who ignore and harm us. Is it possible then that It is incapable of doing so?

This type of thinking also removes us from the game of spiritual pride in which we feel that we are higher, more important, or more favored by God than others. It also frees us from feeling we are lower, less important or less favored by God than others.

The material ego, on the other hand, tends to react in such situations to the rejection and pressure it receives from the spiritual ego by rebelling and sabotaging its various efforts toward discipline, self-control and self-improvement. Thus, the more we pressure ourselves, the more our material ego reacts and rebels. In such cases, we experience instability in our spiritual or self-improvement efforts. In these cases, we usually play the roles of parent and child with our own selves. The parent in us rejects the child in us for not being a “good child,” and the child then reacts so as to undermine the parents’ effort toward control.

In order to move more effectively toward our goal of spiritual transformation, these inner conflicts must be dealt with in a more mature manner. Rather than communicating within ourselves as child and parent, it would be more useful to develop a mature adult to adult system of conversation or dialogue.

EFT offers us the opportunity to do so

Is Your Management Style Limiting Your Success

I have worked with stacks of businesses over the years. Often I am asked to name the most important indicator of whether or not a business will succeed or fail – my answer is always – Look at the CEO. CEO’s and their personal style can make or break a business.

A good CEO sets clear direction and boundaries, provides assistance and support to the team and then gets out of the way to let them accomplish what needs to be done. They help unblock roads if needed and provide guideposts along the way – but their management style is such that they do it in a way that creates independence of action rather than dependence.

So here’s my list of the top 5 CEO management styles that most limit business success.

1. Ultimate creator

Creativity is a good thing right? Well yes and no. Creative types are great to get a new concept or project off the ground. They come up with unique ways of viewing the world and often have breakthrough thinking to old problems. The difficulty comes when the creator can’t just corral their thinking to one area. They end up constantly fiddling with things and never take anything to conclusion.

Employees get whiplash trying to keep up with all of the changes of direction, end up getting frustrated and either leave physically or mentally from the job. Often Ultimate Creators are dreadful at systems – even if they do have a system they are guaranteed not to follow it.

If this is you, then you need to hire people with structure around you. You need to stay within your flow of creating and outsource or hire people to do the nuts and bolts of the business.

2. Detail Nazi

Some CEOs are detail Nazi’s – constantly crossing t’s and dotting i’s. One manager I was aware of literally would spend hours correcting punctuation of briefs and proposal of his employees – and would totally miss the point of what was being proposed.

Employees spend more time chasing micro details than thinking strategically which means the business misses potential opportunities.

If this is you, then you need to work out why you are focusing on micro details. Are you carrying fear about being out of control? Are you a perfectionist in your personal life as well? What are the key metrics you really do need to focus on? If you don’t know then get someone help you work out your metrics. Keep your detail focus on what really matters and let the rest slide.

3. Hot and Cold Boss

Hot and Cold bosses are those who some days can be exceptional – they are focussed, strategic, engaging leaders (on some days of the week) and then all of a sudden something changes. It could be the wind direction, or the lunch they ate – but all of a sudden they are scattered, absent and withdrawn. Employees can’t get an answer from them to save their life. Hot and Cold Bosses abuse employees for not taking the initiative and then abuse them more if they do.

Employees spend most of the day trying to work out which way the wind is blowing. When the boss is on track they quickly race in and try and get everything through as they don’t know when they will get the next opportunity (which leads to the boss being overwhelmed with work, dropping the bundle, getting angry etc).

If this is you – try and work out what is putting you in the grip of your inner 2 year old. The times when are off track means you are operating from a space of stress. What can you do to better manage your stress (and the impact your stress is having on your employees and your business)?

4. Know it all

The know-it-all boss is often closely related to the Detail Nazi and is someone who has every answer to every problem (or thinks they should have). They must be involved in every decision and have the final word on everything. They often leave their own work undone as they are too busy chasing your stuff.

Employees never know the edge of their boundaries – so end up always passing everything up the line. The boss then gets overloaded and can’t work out why their employees don’t take initiative.

If this is you, then you can’t just stop being in the middle of everything and expect your business to survive. You have created a real problem where your employees now no longer know HOW to take initiative.

You need to start setting clear boundaries and teach your employees once again how to deal with problems by themselves without involving you. You also need to share the content in your head – at the moment you are the only person who has all of the answers because you didn’t allow your team access to the answers.

5. The warm fuzzy

The warm fuzzy manager wants everyone to like them. They don’t set rules and want the group to make all the decisions. They procrastinate on making an answer and if someone complains, they will change the decision. They will avoid conflict at all costs – trying to get someone else to fix the problem for them or smile to the employees face and then moan about the employee behind their back.

Employees may feel happy to be working with you, but have no clear idea about what is important or a priority so in the absence of information make up their own priorities. This means lots of conflicting priorities, simmering conflict and massive undiscussables in the workplace.

If this is you, then you need to work out if you are running your business to be liked or to make money. They are not mutually exclusive – but sometimes decisions you will need to take will not make you popular with your employees. That is a fact of life.

Some managers exhibit a few of these traits combined, and if this is you then you need to look at the dominant trait and start with resolving that one first.

If your business is not as successful as it could be – maybe it is time to look deeply into a mirror and ask yourself “How am I holding back my business?”

Managing Multi-cultural Teams for Better Productivity

 

Managing across cultures is not an easy task and it has been a challenge for the offshoring companies to  manage across different geographic boundaries and with multi-cultural teams. A culture in itself is defined as a group or community which shares common beliefs and values. A cultural group is understood by the manner in which it behaves. A person can adjust to different cultures at the same time exhibiting different characteristics depending on the birthplace, family background, language, education, religion, profession etc.

 Understanding and managing multi-cultural teams is important to let the organization achieve results and success. Unless every individual in a team with different cultures adapts to a particular organizational environment, the organization cannot move in the right direction and attain profits.

It is culture which presents various challenges, one of them being the barriers to communication. When companies outsource human resources, one of the criteria it looks for is a cultural fit. Often candidates who  are capable of topmost positions are often eliminated on the ground of cultural mismatch as they are unable to justify themselves to be adaptable to a different set of cultural attributes. Few examples make this understanding of culture much more clearer. There are individuals who are understood to be wrong or aggressive when they make eye-contact for a longer time during the process of conversation while Americans find individuals untrustworthy who do not make proper eye-contact with the other person. Then, there are Japanese who bend their head whenever they greet the other person which otherwise is thought be too cordial by individuals of other countries.

If an individual is not able to accomodate himself with the other culture, then he may go into a cultural shock the signs of which are high level of anxiety, isolation and also lack of performance on the job. So, it becomes necessary to manage across the multi-cultural teams not only  to show good performance on the job but also to stay cool, calm and stress-free. In this regard, many IT companies have come out successful as the IT workers worked their way up to breaking the cultural barriers and rising above cultural attributes such as language etc.

A manager of an organization often faces problems dealing an overseas client. Many countries may not have open-form of communication and direct communication while many may have it. A manager may also have trouble understanding the accent and fluency of the other person.

Since, no single-step approach can work towards synergizing multicultural teams, It industry or any other industry per se should adopt the following techniques:     

Acclimatize to the different set of culture: Nothing is better than adjusting to the different cultural climate. You need to accept the opinion of others gladly. This does not mean that you should hamper your work. You should be able to influence the other person too towards one’s own opinion. You need to understand the language, working style, religion and many more things need to be understood and taken up in order to get the work done.  Intervene by structurally changing the team: Now, the structural intervention requires changing the shape of the team. This includes picking up individuals from different teams and assigning them a task to complete. Create an amicable environment: Here, it becomes the profound duty of the manager to create a friendly environment between different individuals having different culture in a group. It all depends upon how one interacts and communicates with the other person having different language, origin etc. Resolve conflicts arising out of cultural differences: If at all conflict arises due to language or accent difference, a manager should try to get the messy situation patched up. Gain insight into the other culture: This requires an ample of hard work and this will also take time to learn about the other culture, language. Often this will require you to gain knowledge of the living and working style.  

 

Besides the above tips to managing multi-cultural teams, one should maintain that when two or more teams come across, they all need to equally work hard in order to work together.       

Reconciliation of Inner Conflicts – Part 3

Examples of Inner Conflicts

LOSE WEIGHT OR EAT WHAT AND AS MUCH AS I WANT?

Say one part of use wants to lose weight or create a healthier body and the other wants to eat whatever and whenever it likes.

Let us call part A, “health conscious” and part B, “pleasure seeking”.

So we try to answer the above questions.

1. About what part ¨”A” – The Health Conscious one feels:

Some answers might be:

a. Shame or self-rejection because of extra weight.
b. Self-rejection because of lack of discipline.
c. Helplessness because cannot succeed.
d. Fear of illness.
e. Anger at those who remind him/her of his/her problem.
f. Anger at the part of ourselves that refuses to be disciplined.
g. Fear of what others think about us.
h. Jealous of others because they have better appearance or more discipline than we do.
i. Disillusioned or depression because we have tired so much without success.

2. Then we do the same for part “B”, the Pleasure Seeker.

What feelings might it have when it does not get what it wants?

Some possibilities are:

a. Suppressed when it cannot eat as it likes.
b. Anxiety when it does not get its “dose”.
c. Sadness because it does not have its source of happiness and comfort.
d. Anger at those who suppress him/her.
e. Self-destruction so that it can keep up eating.
f. Fear of being controlled.
g. Fear of not having pleasure – joy.
h. Jealous towards those who can eat whatever they like.
i. Depression because there is no joy without food.

A few more examples.

BE IN A CONSCIOUS LOVE RELATIONSHIP OR BE ALONE

1. The part, which wants to be in the relationship, may feel the following emotions when that need is not fulfilled.

a. Loneliness because there is no one to be intimate with.
b. Frustration because of lack of intimate physical contact.
c. Injustice because we are alone.
d. Unhappy without the pleasure of a love partner.
e. Alienated from the others, because they are together.
f. Jealous towards those who have happy relationships.

2. The part, which prefers not to be committed to a love relationship, may feel the following when that need is intimidated.

a. Fear of losing our freedom
b. Fear of being hurt.
c. Fear of being abandoned.
d. Fear that of the other knows us well, s/he will not want to be with us.
e. Fear of being vulnerable.

STAY IN MY PRESENT JOB OR CHANGE IT

1. The part which wants to stay in our present job might feel the following emotions when it thinks about leaving

a. Insecurity whether we will make it financially.
a. Fear that we will not find what we want.
b. Fear that we might regret doing this.
c. Fear of how others will perceive us if we do not succeed in our new effort.
d. Fear of making a mistake

2. The part which would like to move on to another job might feel some of the following emotions when it thinks about staying indefinitely at our present job.

a. Boredom and lack of interest
b. Suppression that we have to do something which does not fulfill us anymore.
c. Injustice that we cannot do what we really want to do with out lives.
d. Self-rejection because we do not have the “guts” to leave.
e. Jealousy towards those who have jobs which they love.
f. Anger with those who in some way are “preventing” us from leaving.

When we work with inner conflicts in this way, we free each part of ourselves from our conflicting emotions and natural healthy solutions will flow effortlessly to the surface.

The information below might be useful.

THE SPIRITUAL AND MATERIAL EGO

These roles or personas, which develop subconsciously, create a variety of beliefs and subsequent needs and emotions. Most of our personas manage to cooperate enough so that we can function without serious inner turmoil, but there are times in our lives when we experience inner conflicts in which two or more parts of our being have conflicting needs.

Many of these conflicts have to do with the differing needs between our “spiritual” personas and our “material” personas. We place these words in quotation marks because all personas live in ignorance, and thus are all material. The so-called “spiritual” personas are trying to be spiritual, or in some cases, only to appear spiritual.

One part of ourselves wants to improve our character and lifestyle, and proceed spiritually, while the other might prefer to remain in the familiar, conditioned types of behavior and activities where it finds security, pleasure and affirmation. Let’s call the first part the spiritual ego and the second the material ego. We want these two to meet, to open up to each other and become one.

We do not intend to imply that the spiritual ego is higher or more spiritual than the material ego. In some cases, the opposite may be true, as the spiritual ego might be simply seeking security, pleasure and affirmation in other ways. The spiritual ego may occasionally be even more afraid or attached to persons and situations than the material ego; however, this is not always the case.

CONFLICTS BETWEEN THE SPIRITUAL AND MATERIAL PERSONAS

The spiritual ego feels the conflict most intensely (if we didn’t desire spiritual growth or self-improvement we would not have a conflict), and usually creates feelings of self rejection, failure and guilt when we are unable to satisfy its need to feel that it is “spiritual” and “worthy.”

Also, when we do not feel worthy, we do not feel safe. This occurs because many of us are programmed to believe whoever is not “good” or worthy in God’s eyes is not safe, as he does not “deserve” God’s love and protection. Making matters worse is the fact that we might also be programmed to feel we deserve punishment.

These are obviously not the highest reasons to want to improve ourselves. They are, in fact, rather selfish motives. If we want to change to ensure our safety, or so others will accept us, we are simply replacing the material ego with the spiritual ego. Nothing has really changed. In some cases, our need to fulfill these spiritual “requirements” for our self-acceptance has to do with our need to feel we are more spiritual than others. Thus, we simply replace the need for affirmation and superiority on a material level with the same need on the spiritual level.

It is important to realize that our self-worth is permanent and divine. We cannot be worth more or less in God’s eyes. We are divine consciousness itself in the process of evolving our ability to express our divinity on the material planes. Our inherent spiritual value is not changed by our actions or spiritual growth. What is changed is our ability to express those values mentally, emotionally and physically.
Trying to be a better person because we believe it will encourage God to love us more is also an insufficient motive for growth.

Desiring to become a clearer channel for divine energies of love, peace, harmony, justice and happiness is a much better motive. Seeking to purify ourselves so we can experience that Divine Consciousness in every being and event that we encounter, is a useful motive. Seeking to remove all mental, emotional and physical obstacles so that we can cultivate pure love, simplicity and selflessness is also useful.

Such motives are free from the game of who is spiritual and who is not, or who is more spiritual, or who is good and who is bad, and whom God loves and whom God does not love. They are based on the presumption that God is a much higher type of consciousness, and thus is incapable of not loving anyone no matter what that person might ever do. This seems only logical since the Divine Being has asked us, mere humans, to love even our enemies and those who ignore and harm us. Is it possible then that It is incapable of doing so?

This type of thinking also removes us from the game of spiritual pride in which we feel that we are higher, more important, or more favored by God than others. It also frees us from feeling we are lower, less important or less favored by God than others.

The material ego, on the other hand, tends to react in such situations to the rejection and pressure it receives from the spiritual ego by rebelling and sabotaging its various efforts toward discipline, self-control and self-improvement. Thus, the more we pressure ourselves, the more our material ego reacts and rebels. In such cases, we experience instability in our spiritual or self-improvement efforts. In these cases, we usually play the roles of parent and child with our own selves. The parent in us rejects the child in us for not being a “good child,” and the child then reacts so as to undermine the parents’ effort toward control.

In order to move more effectively toward our goal of spiritual transformation, these inner conflicts must be dealt with in a more mature manner. Rather than communicating within ourselves as child and parent, it would be more useful to develop a mature adult to adult system of conversation or dialogue.

Managing Anger – Overcoming the Odds

Getting angry is a completely normal human response. However, it can occur in various degrees and frequencies, which is why managing anger is also important.

There are times when the emotion can be excessive or uncontrolled, in the sense that you can be affected even after issues have long been settled. Here is a brief overview and some great tips in managing anger.

The Types of Anger

Anger can be categorized into two: passive and aggressive. Managing anger can be very effective if you know how to identify and address the right type.

Passive anger can be shown in ways that lead to conflict, rather than directly starting it, as with manipulation, dispassion, secretive behavior, self-blame, increasing other people’s chances of failing, and apathy. It is also possible for you to experience conflict, but tend to ignore or let it linger, instead of finding a solution.

Aggressive anger is described as showing direct acts and thoughts or using verbalizations as a means of expressing intense emotions. You may resort to threats, destructiveness, violence, vulgarity, grandiosity, selfishness, rage, blaming others, and manic behavior. This is more evident and common than passive anger.

What To Do About Anger

There are so many ways to manage anger and you should learn to find the right strategies that help you resolve the main conflict, instead of simply finding temporary relief. The emotion should be controlled, then expressed in a healthy manner to successfully approach it.

Direct anger management is addressing the problem as it is and finding a relevant solution. Creative anger management involves finding new ways and looking at the idea in a whole new perspective. Passionate anger management is transforming negative input into something more useful and positive. Focused anger management is learning how to address the problem only and not tend to create unnecessary links. Honorable anger management is finding a just and proper solution, and then finding a moral basis for the emotion.

These are just some of the approaches of properly managing anger. You can also find other means and channels that best suit your emotional needs. Again, there is nothing wrong with feeling angry. It is completely natural and healthy, as long as it is expressed properly.

Effective Leadership, Managing People: 10 Timeless Principles

In my management and effective leadership skills seminars, I often ask participants, based on their years of experience, to list their top do’s and don’ts for effectively managing people. After conducting workshops and keynotes all over the world for over 12 years, I’ve come up with ten timeless principles, or tips for managing people. Here are the top ten:

1. Set goals collaboratively with your employees. You’re more likely to have employees who are accepting of the solution because they were involved in the process.

2. Follow through. Always do what you say you’re going to do. Otherwise, your credibility is destroyed. As the saying goes, they remember your last act.

3. In managing people, be empathetic and compassionate when the situation calls for it. For example, when a good employee is experiencing personal problems. Remember, your employees are your most important asset. And, you are managing people.

4. Be honest, trustworthy, fair and respectful. In managing people, if you employees don’t perceive you as trustworthy, you’re less likely to have real influence over them.

5. Lead by example. Be a good role model. If you are honest, trustworthy, respectful, and hardworking, you’re training them to be the same.

“Effective leadership in managing people = getting along with others.”

6. Communicate clearly with your staff on a regular basis. The importance of good communication sounds so obvious, it’s as if it shouldn’t need to be mentioned! But over and over, I hear about managers who don’t communicate effectively.

7. Take care of important issues. Don’t procrastinate working on projects you don’t want to do. And promptly address performance issues with a difficult employee. Otherwise, these problems only get worse.

8. Have goals and objectives clearly defined in writing for accountability. Include dates, deadlines, and numbers so it’s very clear what’s expected. For example, if someone is in customer service they are to, “Respond to all customer inquiries and complaints within 12 hours of receiving them.This way, the employee clearly understands what’s expected of them and is less likely to say, “Well,that’s just your perception. You’re just picking on me.”

9. In managing people, be available. Be approachable.

10. Empower and motivate the team not just in terms of completing tasks, but also in terms of good communication and managing conflict.

Effective leadership when managing people correlates to successfully managing conflict. Learn to get along with others. It’s not just what you know, or who you know, but how well you get along with others.

Conflict: Steps to Resolution (Part 2 of 4)

When it’s clear that a conflict exists and you are the one who must do something about it, do this.

First understand that the process of conflict intervention can take almost any length of time, from a few minutes to several years. Steps in the process include:
·helping the participants identify their own needs, interests and values;
·discover their mutual and complementary needs;
·clarify areas of disagreement and search further for the bases of those disagreements;
·invent options for mutual gain; communicate effectively about those options;
·reach clear and complete agreements based on objective criteria.

Although strategies for intervening in conflict can be varied and creative, successful intervention strategies do have certain themes in common. The single most important guideline is to insist that all parties to the conflict be treated with respect.

Each participant has needs, issues and values which are, from his or her perspective, valid and important. If these are threatened by disrespect, the individual is likely to become frightened, show anger, escalate unreasonable demands and try to win at someone else’s expense.

Individuals and groups of individuals are all attempting to achieve results they believe will cause them to survive, be satisfied or happy, or reach a goal they value. They also have differing needs, wants, ideas, opinions, values, goals and methods of operation.

Conflict arises when the goal-directed behavior of one person or group interferes with the goal-directed behavior of another.

Few individuals engaged in conflict actually intend to be destructive. Each intends some positive outcome (from his or her own perspective), and the damage done to someone else’s territory is either accidental or seen as necessary to achieve a greater good.

When you are helping to resolve a conflict, it is important to keep in mind that conflict arises from attempts to attain positive results. Often the antagonists are even in agreement on the desired results and disagree only on the means for attaining them.

The problem is they may be so embroiled in the conflict that they do not know that they have a basic and fundamental agreement. They may be so focused on arguing about details and so angry at each other that they blame each other for the lack of resolution.

Your first job may be to get them to calm down and talk to each other with your main function being to direct traffic.

Remember that everyone involved already has, somewhere within themselves, the resources necessary for resolving their problem. Your job is not to tell them what to do.

Your most important job is to know what questions to ask to help clarify the situation and assist them in tapping their own resources.

Conflict: The Critical Questions (Part 3 of 4)

When you’ve taken on the task of helping others resolve conflict, your most important job is to know what questions must be answered to help clarify the situation. The more of these questions you can answer, the better you be able to help your clients to tap their own resources to resolve the conflict.

The questions you must keep in mind will help your clients to identify the problem, identify the goal they want to achieve and discover the areas in which they already agree.

Here are some questions to keep in mind that will help you and your clients to resolve the conflict.

Identifying the problem—·Do the participants know what their problem is?
· Do they need your help in order to define it?
·Is the problem actually within the group, or is it a symptom of conflict?
·Are clients arguing about solutions before the important issues have been identified?
·What issues are being avoided or brought up in conversation and then quickly dropped?
·What are the group’s sacred cows?
·Is there an elephant—something that is obvious that nobody is willing to talk about—in the vicinity?

Identifying the goal—·What is the desired overall result?
·Do all participants agree on that goal? If not, is there a larger goal on which they agree?
·Does disagreement concern the goal itself, or only the means by which the goal should be attained?

Establishing areas of agreement—·On what issues do all participants agree? If you begin the conflict resolution process by establishing a climate of agreement, it is easier for the participants to accept that an agreeable solution can be reached.

Behavioral and communication patterns are often just as important to understanding the situation as are specific areas of disagreement. Keep these questions in mind as well to help you understand what happens from moment to moment.
·To whom is most of the communication in the group addressed?
·Are remarks responded to politely?
·Are speakers interrupted?
·Who directs traffic?
·Who doesn’t respond at all?
·How do individuals within the group position themselves in relation to each other?
·What does their body language imply?
·Are verbal and physical messages congruent?
·Who is active?
·Who is passive?
·Who facilitates the process?
·Who creates obstacles to clarification?
·Are unwritten rules interfering with resolution of this conflict?
·If so, how can the group be made aware have and dispense with them?

This may seem like an overwhelming number of things to keep in mind. An expert in conflict resolution is probably aware of most of them most of the time. The more of these questions you’re able to keep in mind the more effective and helpful you will be in a situation.

Remember it’s your job to help your clients resolve their conflict, not to do it for them.

The Role of Denial in Chronic Pain Management

Dr. Stephen F. Grinstead, LMFT, ACRPS, CADC-II

The Roadblock Called Denial

If you don’t know whether or not you have a problem, it can be difficult to find a solution. Many of my clients have the mistaken belief that “I can’t be addicted because I’m in pain and a doctor gave me the medication.” If you do have a problem, and if in fact have been abusing or are addicted to your pain medication, as well as experiencing life-damaging consequences, this can be one of the four levels of denial. The first step in managing denial is recognizing it and understanding what level you’re at.

The Four Levels of Denial

The first level of denial is a lack of information about addiction, pain and recovery. The above example shows this first level. The solution here is for you to be open to education and information about addiction, pain and recovery. It is important for you to learn as much as you possibly can about medication dependency, abuse or addiction and what constitutes effective pain management.

The second level of denial is conscious defensiveness. You know that something is wrong but you don’t want to look at the problem and face the pain of knowing. You tend to vigorously defend yourself and deny a problem even though you know you have one. The solution for this level of denial is to recognize that you are experiencing an inner conflict where one part of you knows there’s a problem, but another part doesn’t want to admit it. To resolve this conflict you must be willing to listen to the part that knows the truth and take authentic action. The old saying “the truth will set you free” is certainly relevant in this case.

The third level is denial is an unconscious defense mechanism. You get to this level when you have stayed in the inner conflict, mentioned above, and the defensive voice keeps winning. Once this happens denial then becomes an unconscious defense mechanism. The solution here is more difficult. It usually takes outside interventions or what is called a motivational crisis to break through this defense and allow yourself to see the truth and address the problem. For some of my patients this motivational crisis was generated when their treating physicians became concerned about their use/abuse of pain medication. For others it was family members intervening and urging them to seek help.

The fourth level is denial is the delusional system—this is the toughest level to get through. Terence Gorski describes this level of denial as “a mistaken belief that is firmly held to be true despite convincing evidence that it is not true.” Sometimes this fourth level is exacerbated by brain damage that was caused by the use of psychoactive substances, such as prescription medication and/or alcohol and other drugs. If your denial were at this level you probably would not be reading this article. People at this level of denial usually need psychotherapy and probably medication management to resolve their delusional system.

The Denial Management Process

Denial Management Counseling (DMC) is a treatment modality designed to assist people with alcohol and drug related problems or other self-defeating behaviors that are also experiencing high levels of denial and treatment resistance.

The DMC process focuses upon developing appropriate treatment plans, targeted interviewing, and using a sequence of proven action steps to help people to make the initial commitment to treatment. The main goal of DMC is to help motivate people to accept the need for additional help, to seek it out and follow through with specific action plans. Identifying and managing denial and resistance is often the missing link in many programs that treat addiction or chronic pain.

Goals of DMC

- Interrupt patterns of denial

- Recognize potential addiction related, or other self-defeating life problems

- Identify the problems and negative consequences that result from these self-defeating patterns

- Motivate clients to accept a referral to the next level of treatment

In my new Denial Management Counseling for Effective Pain Management Workbook by Stephen F. Grinstead, Terence T. Gorski, and Jennifer C. Messier, I adapted the DMC process and specified it for pain management. It is an excellent resource for those people who may need more comprehensive denial management work. To learn more about it please go to my website articles page http://www.addiction-free.com/articles/articles/view/from-denial-to-effective-pain-management; or go to my publications page http://www.addiction-free.com/publications.html to see how to order.

I believe that understanding and managing denial is crucial for effective pain management. The following are the titles and brief description of the twelve pain denial patterns from the Denial Management Counseling for Effective Pain Management Workbook, used with full permission.

The Pain Denial Pattern Checklist

1. Avoidance: “I’ll do anything to not talk about my pain management problem!”

2. Total Denial: “No not me! I don’t have a problem with my pain!”

3. Minimizing: “My pain management problems aren’t that big of a deal!”

4. Rationalizing: “If I can find good enough reasons for my problems with pain management, I won’t have to deal with them!”

5. Blaming: “If I can prove that my problems with pain management aren’t my fault, I won’t have to deal with them!”

6. Comparing: “Showing that others are worse off than me proves that I don’t have serious problem with my pain management!”

7. Compliance: “I’ll pretend to give you what you want so you’ll leave me alone!”

8. Manipulating: “I play the game to convince others to do all the work for my pain management.”

9. Having A Flight Into Health: “Feeling better means that I’m cured and I can coast!”

10. Fear of Change: “If I don’t focus on having a problem with my pain I won’t know who I am or how else to relate!”

11. Diagnosing Myself as Beyond Help: “Since nothing I do has ever worked for my pain management, I don’t have to try anymore—I don’t want to be let down yet again!”

12. I Have the Right to be This Way, AKA It’s My Body: “I have the right to do whatever I want to do or don’t want to do with my body and for my pain management and no one has the right to tell me any different!”

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